It’s been four years since my son rang the bell signaling the end of his cancer treatment. Seven and a half since he was diagnosed. Our cancer journey started the day after I made my last post here. Since then our lives have been turned inside out, upside down, and every which way. We’re now living the new “after cancer” normal because there’s no going back to “before cancer.” He’s thriving. We’re blessed. And hopefully, I can start writing more. Maybe.
Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links to Amazon and Hay House.
I love Hay House Radio. Esther Hicks and Abraham. Caroline Myss. Dr. Wayne Dyer. These were some of my friends when I wanted company while walking the dog or something totally different when taking the kid to and from school. Alas, when I got a new phone, the website wasn’t supported. I grieved the loss.
Imagine my joy when I discovered they now have an app! Woo hoo!
Oh, did I mention that the app is free?
I don’t want to be longing.
I want to belong.
I remind myself I am enough…as a friend, mother, wife, home maker…I am enough as I am. I don’t have to be perfect. I am enough as I am.
I remind myself I am worthy…of friends, love, connection, caring. I am worthy. I am enough. I don’t need to be more, do more, expect more. As I am right now, I am enough and worthy.
And it’s good. I’m in the flow of life. I’m grooving along that channel in the old style records, making wonderful music of my life.
And sometimes, less often than before because the little part of me inside is listening to what I say to myself and I am worthy and and I enough, but sometimes something happens that has me skittering across the record, creating discord inside of me, sliding sideways through the world instead of in the flow.
It’s painful. It hurts. Then that little voice inside says “You suck. You’re not enough and certainly not worthy.”
I feel alone. Very alone. Missing connection and community and belonging.
I simply want to belong.
I cry myself to sleep.
In the night, invariably magic happens. I wake up to the dog snuffling my hand and the sound of my son pattering around trying to be quiet, and peace returns. I am enough. I am worthy. I do belong.
Getting from A to B and back to A is not fun. I don’t know how to fix it. It’s so hard to get through. I doubt the magic.
I am strong. I am capable. I’ve weathered this storm before. It’s just lonely.
I am enough. I am worthy. I am stong. I am capable. I am loved.
I am, and that’s enough.
It was a long afternoon in Chez Thompson. A long, long afternoon. The kid and I got into a situation over the removal of items from my desk without my permission. I’ll spare you the details since I got bored writing them. Suffice it to say, it went from frustrating, to bad, to worse, to worse, to better, and finally to great. I’m so grateful for the great.
Frustrating: When I realized things were missing from my desk. Taken without permission.
Bad: His reaction to me asking for them back. Nonviolent communication was rebuffed with “blah, blah, blah” [heavy sigh]
Worse: my reaction [oh, the shame]
Worse: his reaction [how dare he act that way, speak to me that way, etc. You get the picture.]
Better: With patience and perseverance, we were able to have a compassionate discussion about how I felt about the situation and my needs AND he was able to share his thoughts and feelings and needs.
Great: We both worked on a solution so that he could have the items he wanted, and I still had a measure of organization on my desk. We both felt valued and heard.
We had a great evening after all of that!
I found this Parenting With Nonviolent Communication (NVC) video about connecting with your child and how to turn their “no’s” into something you can both work with. I picked up a few pointers for next time (’cause you know there will be one!)
How have you turned parenting failures into a win for both parties?
I am so overwhelmed with life right now. So many things to do, so many things to learn, so many things to create, so many things. Things…projects, thoughts, activities, ideas. The old so many places to go, people to see conundrum.
It becomes a conundrum because I wonder what my role is in life, what is my life’s work, how can I do my life’s work once I figure out what it is and contribute financially to the family as well as contribute to the good that our world so desparately needs. Whew. I’m tired simply re-reading that sentence. It’s alot to have weighing on my shoulders. It’s causing me to stop in my tracks and do nothing. It’s so hard to move forward that it is easier to stay mired. It takes so much effort, physcial Buy Ambien and mental, to pull my feet out of the figurative mud and move forward when I can’t see where I’m headed and not sure that I’m even headed the right way.
My first step out of this morass is to break it down. I’ve identified one thing that when it’s comleted fills me with contentment and joy. Not necessarily while I’m doing that activity. That can be frought with self-doubt and a bit of mental anguish, but when I’m complete. That activity is writing.
I am going to write my way out of this morass of inactivity. One word at a time. I believe that this exercise will propell me forward towards figuring out what I want to do next with this life.
Join me on this journey?
Susan Smith Thompson
Playing with Words
I had this great idea to clean the shower stall while I was showering this morning. It became a comedy of errors, and I thought I’d share with you how NOT to clean your shower. Maybe you’ll have better luck than I did.
First, clean thyself before cleaning the walls and floor. Because if you’re like me and started a load of laundry before starting said shower, the hot water will run out before the body gets properly cleaned. Now only parts of me and parts of the shower are clean. I’m hoping you won’t be able to tell which is which on me.
Second, before grabbing your personal toothbrush to clean the grout, make sure you have a replacement. Me? Emm…not so much. After scrounging around a bit in the cabinet, I finally found a new toothbrush. It was touch and go and I was seriously considering whose toothbrush I could borrow or if it was worth an emergency trip to the pharmacy for a new one.
Third, once you start scrubbing the little mold worms on the grout, it’s almost impossible to stop. (See point #1. Brrr. Cold.) Then I had to attack the caulk (how do I get that white again, anyway) and then the parts around the stall door, and the part under the door that Valium only gets seen when the door is open. That would be the part that doesn’t rinse easily and water spills out onto the bathroom floor soaking the bathmat.
Fourth, take off the towel wrapped around your hair if you decide to lean back in and just get a little more (see point #3, it’s impossible to stop!) because it will slip off your head and block your view right at the moment when you are carefully aiming the water to rinse off that little part of the door that you only see when the door is open — spilling even more water onto the soaked bathmat. The one that now has to be dealt with because there is simply too much water on the floor to ignore it and now has moved to the head of the laundry que, much to the chagrin of hubby’s work clothes.
Finally, don’t look at the toilet when emptying the bucket which held the cleaning solution because then you’ll have to scrub that out too. We’re trying the coke in the toilet experiment to see if it really does get rid of the ring around the potty.
See, that wasn’t so hard! This is one time that the old adage, “do as I say, not as I do” will really help the cleaning process!